Given your hawkish approach to discretion, moving at a slower pace and taking the kink as it trickles in might just be what you have to do. But I suppose there are ways to maximize your sex having.
You can talk to the kinky/poly partners you’ve had about where to find more and/or congregate. You may not feel comfortable freely cruising on apps, but you could certainly at least create online profiles without any identifying features (such as a picture of your face) and see what kind of catch that yields. There are poly groups all over the country-surely one is within at least occasionally attainable distance from you. You may also want to go poking around whatever major metropolitan area is nearest you for other fun. This isn’t ideal, but you have a lot of constraints here (I’m talking about the figurative ones in this case). Given that you seem intent on protecting your public identity from being soiled by the fact that you are a human with sexual desires, it may be useful to essentially relocate your sex life while keeping your working/nonsexual social life where it is. It sounds like you’re mostly just anxious-I wonder if the times when you’ve tried to top, you’ve essentially put yourself on the spot and then found yourself too shook to finish the job.
